The Door Was There All Along

The Door Was There All Along

When I saw a bumper sticker that read:

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

…a whole new way of seeing life opened up for me.

What if life is actually a love story between these two?

The spiritual being.
The human experience.

I had spent much of my life searching outside myself for guidance and validation. I wanted to know I was doing life “right.” I loved God with all my heart from as early as I can remember. As a little girl, my highest honor was to be Mary when Jesus returned. It was a little embarrassing to find out he was not coming back as a baby.

The messages I received from outside myself slowly clouded my awareness. Family, school, religion, neighbors, television, expectations, gender roles, birth order… all of it mixing together like watercolor across the canvas of a young mind trying to understand the world.

One of the messages I deciphered was that Jesus died for my sins because I was sinful. I was born sinful.

My little heart loved Jesus so much and I was deeply grateful he died for me. I didn’t question it. I carried it with me instead. Wrapped tightly around my heart.

I was bad.

That is why I got in trouble when I did what I wanted. Because what I wanted was bad. Against the Bible. Against being a “good Christian.” Only the blood of Jesus could save me.

I didn’t know I could go inside myself.

I asked Jesus into my heart and hoped he would heal me. I didn’t know I could join him there.

So I continued searching outward for reflections that felt familiar.

The Inner Kingdom

Many people spend their lives searching outside themselves while being unaware of what awaits them within.

Or afraid of what awaits them within.

It can feel tender to open your heart. Painful even.

When we finally allow ourselves to feel what is pulsing in our chest or grabbing at our throat, there can be a rush of emotion. There has often been a build-up for years. Emotions wanting release on one side and our tender human self trying desperately not to relive pain on the other.

Most of us were trained to keep everything inside.

Keep it together.
Be strong.
Don’t cry.
Don’t overreact.

And when the pressure became too much and our true emotions slipped through, many of us learned to punish ourselves for it.

But our inner world is ours and ours alone.

Within our heart-space, within the present moment, there is access to something deeper. A secret garden. An inner kingdom.

With practice, we learn to pause and breathe. We begin to notice that in the present moment there is awareness. There is choice. There is space.

Within is a place of love. Of peace.

We get to do spring cleaning there.

We get to gently sweep out old beliefs and ideas that no longer serve us. We get to tend the garden instead of abandoning it.

Why We Avoid Going Inside

Going inside can feel painful because we carry shame, blame, fear, and unfulfilled expectations.

Sometimes we are not avoiding ourselves because we are bad.

We are protecting ourselves from pain.

It hurts to feel disconnected from who we truly are. It hurts to believe there is no way to be both ourselves and what everyone else expects us to be.

Many people spend years trying to become lovable by abandoning parts of themselves.

Especially the joyful parts.

The sensitive parts.
The wild parts.
The honest parts.

The happy self.

The Reunion Tour Begins

The first step on a Reunion Tour is understanding that you already have an all-access pass.

Going inside is less about learning something new and more about remembering something ancient.

You don’t need special skills.

Sometimes it is simply asking the door to open… and floating through.

There is no need to feel behind in this discovery.

There is no behind.

Time can be a helpful illusion, but there is no time on the inside.

As I have come into a very different relationship with myself over the years, I’ve realized something important:

The facts about me haven’t changed.
My beliefs about me have.

That realization softened so much.

A Loving Relationship With the Inner World

As I have learned to look at my life with loving awareness and compassionate curiosity, my judgments toward myself have softened.

I can see why I made the decisions I did.

I can see when my words or behaviors hurt people around me. I can also love the version of me that existed in that moment.

I love all the younger versions of me now.

I know she tried her hardest to do it right.

Sometimes healing is not punishment.

Sometimes healing is repair.

A softening.

A willingness to sit beside ourselves instead of abandoning ourselves.

Following What Feels Alive

Do you remember what it feels like to get excited by something? To feel a tingle move up your spine?

We can feel resonance in our bodies.

Something ignites us instead of smothering us.

Your heart is remembering something that delights your system and it wants more. It is attracted to it.

Sometimes the things that most interest us were once deemed unrealistic, childish, irresponsible, or not worthy of our time. Over time, that can shut down our creativity and disconnect us from ourselves. We stop trusting what naturally lights us up.

But it feels good to follow your heart.

Sometimes what interests us is not random.

Sometimes it is a remembering.

The Door Was There All Along

Our inner world, our secret garden, is ours to tend.

No one else can enter it for us.
No one else can clean it, listen to it, or love it on our behalf.

And maybe that is the good news.

The door has been there all along, all you need to do is step through.